The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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