you didnt know i had herpes?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
