i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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