when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
