who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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