just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
