Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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