broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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