You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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