3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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