You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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