one word: firstdatebathroomanal
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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