all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
