i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
