my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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