Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
