Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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