we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
