i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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