My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
