last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
