how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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