I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize