I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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