Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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