shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
