I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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