you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
