Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
