remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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