My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
