In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
