You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
