I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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