The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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