very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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