you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
