my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize