I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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