By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
