please come you make the beer taste better
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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