I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
