I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
