I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize