Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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