hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
