12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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