I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
