fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
