I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
