the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
