i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
