I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
