Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
